Ten Things to Do — and Two Not to Do — if You Want to Get Laid on a Group Trip

Social media is, for all intents and purposes, a landfill of individualism. It represents the highest point, the absolute zenith of what the narcissistic, individualistic human being is capable of enduring and producing in terms of exhibitionist frustration. In terms of loneliness.

There is no point repeating what we already know: that it all began as an obvious military project, part of some larger design. We are trapped inside screens, scattered across places that do not exist, while lies follow one another until they become so authentic that they convince us there may still be some way of distracting ourselves from the terror. We should step away from it all, find the courage and bring it up during our next therapy session. And yet we already know this.

Still, something miraculous shines through in certain reels. There are people who, despite everything, still manage to gather in small multitudes. They genuinely escape their algorithmic depression by travelling somewhere, setting their egos aside and reconnecting them to something real, something collective. A cluster of bodies moving in unison. They often travel in caravans, on camels, in canoes. Beneath enormous waterfalls. They explore together: their faces reveal themselves while being broken down into seconds, visual hooks and engagement. They raise their arms to the sky, laugh and look happy. They make us believe there might still be room for life, for discovery. For community.

Group trips may be the only way left to resist the world.

But how does it all work?

First, you need to be single.

Then you need to switch gears: invent some believable lies and convince yourself that you are genuinely interested in leaving, discovering new countries, new continents and new people. It works a little like signing up for any random course. First you pay a more or less substantial fee, then you attend while forcing yourself to believe that whatever you signed up for is a genuine passion. Or an attempt to experience something unrelated to mating. For both women and men, it takes very little time for the process that brings them back to reality to take place.

So we may as well speak openly. What follows is a practical guide to the ten things you should do — and the two you should not — if you want to get laid on a group trip.

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Number One

PRETEND TO BE GENUINELY PASSIONATE ABOUT TRAVELLING

As already mentioned, this is the essential step if you want to give the impression that you have not joined the group purely for sex or, even worse, for love.

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Number Two

DO NOT BE DISAPPOINTED IF, UPON ARRIVING AT THE AIRPORT, YOU REALISE THE GROUP IS MADE UP OF PEOPLE YOU FIND SEXUALLY UNATTRACTIVE

Group tour operators generally do not allow participants to know much about one another before departure. It is therefore like a blind date: everything is revealed on the spot.

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Number Three

CHOOSE A TOUR ACCORDING TO AGE RANGE

These formats are often discriminatory towards older people. It is advisable to sign up while you are still within the twenty-five-to-thirty age bracket. After thirty, things start becoming difficult; after thirty-five, the risk of failure becomes extremely high.

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Number Four

AVOID TOURS FOR GEOGRAPHY NERDS

You are strongly advised to avoid strange countries. When you choose a strange country, there is a fairly high chance of ending up in a group of unfuckable, half-bald losers with para-fascist or Stalinist fixations. Feel free, therefore, to embrace the most predictable Western and Westernised destinations.

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Number Five

WEAR EXPENSIVE OUTDOOR CLOTHING

Most group trips include excursions. Whether you choose an Arctic climate — Iceland, for example, the most popular destination — or a tropical one, it is best to show up wearing brands such as Patagonia or The North Face. This will give you an immediate advantage over anyone arriving in a €19.99 Decathlon windbreaker. Should the tour operator provide T-shirts or small backpacks bearing its logo, do not wear them.

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Number Six

CHOOSE ITINERARIES COSTING AT LEAST THREE THOUSAND EUROS

In keeping with the point about expensive outdoor clothing, choosing a costly itinerary triggers a mechanism shamelessly produced by the degeneration of capitalism. As a result, it grants the participant greater sex appeal, even when they possess very little or none at all.

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Number Seven

STAY AT THE EDGES OF GROUP PHOTOS

During the trip, there will be many moments when the tour leader gathers everyone together for photos and videos to post on social media. Try to keep your distance. Wear a half-serious expression and display the occasional mocking smirk. Anyone standing in the middle, showing excessive enthusiasm and laughing loudly, never gets laid.

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Number Eight

REMAIN SLIGHTLY DRUNK AT ALL TIMES

You must, however, avoid becoming completely wasted and slipping into ridicule or despair. A permanent state of mild intoxication helps you enter conversations and, particularly in the case of the boys, makes you marginally more confident and better able to perform should mating occur.

(If the trip takes place in an Islamic country, alcohol will be almost impossible to obtain. In that case, drugs must be sourced immediately through local dealers.)

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Number Nine

HAVE ALREADY VISITED OTHER REMOTE — BUT NOT STRANGE — COUNTRIES

South America, Australia and Southeast Asia, for example. Whenever possible, flex these trips through flags attached to your backpack, branded patches, symbols, Instagram highlights or tattoos referring back to them. Flexing is sometimes essential to the struggle, but, as with alcohol, do not overdo it. Memories of past experiences should be scattered throughout conversation; often it is enough simply to invent them. You must always maintain that you travelled alone.

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Number Ten

LIVE IN THE HERE AND NOW

Before finding the courage to leave on a group trip, it is necessary to undergo a course of psychotherapy. You must therefore remain focused on everything your therapist has helped you understand about yourself. Even when you think it is all bullshit, take that bullshit and turn it into dogma. Only then will you be able to avoid unpleasant relapses and fully enjoy the experience.

The things you should not do are closely connected to the things you should do, and they are very simple.

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Number One

AVOID POLITICAL DISCUSSIONS

The target audience for group trips consists — with the necessary exceptions — of people who are both profoundly in crisis and profoundly focused on themselves. Speaking as though history and geopolitics existed outside each individual human being can be traumatic, particularly when the person speaking holds extremist beliefs. War must never be mentioned. Under certain circumstances, short discussions about the economy may be permitted.

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Number Two

DO NOT TAKE YOUR OWN LIFE DURING THE TRIP

Should your attempts at mating prove unsuccessful, the most common mistake is to blame yourself and trace every problem back to your relationship with your father. A sincere piece of advice: experience no more than a thin veil of sadness until boarding the return flight. Only afterwards, once you have landed back in Italy, should you consider what to do next.